Broke the plateau!

I finally broke my plateau of last year. On Tuesday I weighed in at 227.8. My plateau was 230. So I'm glad I'm past that hurdle...!

I still feel like a hippo. I've been going through a lot of issues surrounding weight loss recently. I started counting calories on a calorie-counting website, thinking that I was over-eating. It turns out, I have been severely under-eating. I wasn't expecting that at all. So naturally, as with any calorie-counting website, I am being warned every day about "starvation mode". And this is where it gets complex.

I eat all day long, I just don't eat high-calorie foods. I have trained myself really well on the brands of food I like, and I plan my meals every day. I've spent a lot of time doing this right. I've also done a lot of research. I've heard of starvation mode, so I knew it wasn't a good thing.

For someone who is morbidly obese, however, I just can't understand how my body has any opportunity to "starve". I just can't wrap my head around the concept. And that's where the whole "calories in vs. calories out" get complicated.

When I started this in March, my doctor gave me instructions about how many carbs to eat, about 30 a meal  and up to 15 in a snack. So that's what I've been following- roughly 125 carbs a day. Because of my insulin resistance, these ideas are in place, and they are working for me. I think I'm going to stop stressing out about the calories.

In other news, I bought a resistance band today, and I'm so excited to use it! I've been really worried about strength training, because I don't do it... at all. I thought that the resistance bands could be a fun and interesting way to tone up as I lose weight. Every little bit helps, right?

My tennis game hasn't gotten much better, despite spending about an hour/day playing. I do have more speed and finesse though, and that is helpful. I've even been regularly hitting the ball after it goes out of bounds. Before, if I thought it was going out of bounds, I would just stand there and wait for it. Not any more! I want to play like my husband one day, and I can't do that by being lazy!

I got a "B" in my Calculus class, which will alleviate a lot of my stress and free up some time. I'm glad that class is over!

Hobo status: me!

I know, I know, I complain a lot, but I guess I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. No, not the weight loss and the diet stuff- I knew that would be hard. I'm talking about all the extra stuff that I didn't expect to be a problem.

Like my clothes. I really didn't think about that. I guess I just assumed that one day I'd be 269, the next day I'd be 130, and I'd go clothes shopping. I didn't anticipate the months of being in between my start weight and my goal weight- halfway successful.

I feel like I am constantly being stared at by others- like I don't know how to dress. Like I look like a hobo instead of a pretty, slimmer girl. I wish I could wear a sign that says, "I've lost 40 pounds and haven't gone shopping yet!" Sometimes when strangers stare at my baggy clothes, I just explain, and then they ask soooo many questions. How did I do it? Do I exercise? What do I eat? They are redundant, but at least a new respect is formed for me, instead of an odd assumption about my lot in life.

This weekend was rough because we had no power for three days, and I ate food from convenience stores all weekend. No way to exercise- it was too hot inside and out. I stepped on the scale this morning and gained three pounds, but tomorrow is my official weigh-in. So hopefully I've dropped some or all of the weight I gained. I hope so!

Sorry this is short. I'll get on again tomorrow and let you know how the weigh-in went.

Interesting Perspective, Self!

I was going through some old posts I wrote on a weight-loss website I'm on when I found this advice I had given a fellow lifestyle-changer when she was convinced that being fat was easier than working on her health, and that putting the weight on was not as hard for her as getting it off:


It seems like it was easy to put the weight on, but think about what you really went through: 


1. You stressed your joints 
2. You stretched your stomach constantly 
3. You weakened your heart by pumping it full of cholesterol and fat for years and years 
4. You spent money on more food 
5. You spent money on bigger clothes 
6. You skipped things that you would enjoy because of self-consciousness (things you can never go back and do over) 
7. You became emotional and cried at night when the fat jokes were too much 
8. You wondered if people didn't like you/hire you/date you because of your weight 
9. You deprived yourself of essential minerals because the other stuff tasted better 
10. You may have set these examples to those who are impressionable, such as your kids (if you have any) 


So you THINK gaining weight was easy, and maybe you didn't get the immediate, painful impact, but it has not been easy on you at all! If every donut or cake you stuck in your mouth caused you pain, or made you sick, no matter how good it tastes you would never have ate it! But more or less, each of those "treats" do cause you pain EVERY DAY. These sugary foods make you sick all the time! 


I'd much rather have a few sores muscles then a lifetime of the "pain" of fat.


I wrote these words almost two years ago, but they are still so true to my life. Losing weight is NOT just about counting calories, or changing eating habits, or exercising- it's about a psychological recognition of bad habits and an active change in those habits. That's what makes it so hard, and that's why people try unsuccessfully over and over again to diet. I tell people that dieting is like quitting cigarettes, but harder. I make this comparison because smokers go through mood swings and unique trials that non-smokers don't understand when they try to quit. Your body is dependent on the buzz of nicotine, and the withdrawal is intense and overwhelming. I've been told that you never really feel free from cigarettes, that it just gets easier to resist them, but the desire never fully goes away.


I say that dieting is harder than quitting smoking for a couple of reasons. First, dieters can go through mood swings and unique trials (and victories!) that non-dieters (big or small) can't relate to. A dieter's body is dependent on the buzz of sugar, and the withdrawal is intense and overwhelming. I've been told (by science) that statistically speaking, those who are eventually successful with weight loss are very, very likely to gain some or all of the weight back. Weight maintenance, like resisting a smoke, is a life-long pursuit.


The biggest difference between quitting smoking and starting a diet is the one difference that makes it so hard to be successful- you HAVE to eat to live. No doubt about it, every human on earth has to put food in their mouths at specific intervals. If you moved to a planet where cigarettes didn't exist, you could survive and thrive there for the rest of your life. Without food, however, you will die within a few weeks. That is the sole reason why I believe dieting is harder than quitting cigarettes.


Well, with all of that out of the way, I've lost a total of 37 pounds (which I am stoked about!) since March 13th, 2012. This is me about 20 minutes ago:

(Notice the cigarette: yeah, I've done the quitting and the dieting)

I know that I am harder to see, but that's what I've got. I can really see my waist starting to cinch in. I really wish my arms would follow suit! Of course, that t-shirt and the pants are too big for me now, and all of my clothes are starting to become really unflattering.

So as I close this entry, I present this thought: what have you done for your body today?

And it continues...

I don't really care for the picture I took today for this blog. I didn't realize how unflattering this shirt is, even if it is really cute!

I'm in a really rough position right now. I had some old clothes that I couldn't convince myself to part with that are still just a size or two too small. Some of these things (like the shirt above) barely fit or fit okay but look bad because I'm not at the size I need to be at to wear them. And then most of my clothing is increasingly too big for me to wear anymore without looking like a pathetic homeless person. So I'm really stuck between these two issues.

And now I'm 235 (that was my official Tuesday weigh-in, 27 pounds lost) which is exciting for me, but it also marks a very important time in my life. See, I'm not new to this "lifestyle" changing. In fact, I have lost about 25 pounds before- twice. Both times (once as recently as March of last year) I got to the 230's (233 last year) and hit a huge plateau. I fought the plateau as much as I could before I succumbed to defeat by way of bad food choices and lacking exercise. In fact, the measurements I am now (waist, bust, hips) are the exact same measurements I was when I gave up last time. When I realized that, I also realized that I gained 30 pounds in one year and it sickened me.

So I feel like I know what's coming. I feel like I know that within the next couple of weeks, my weight loss will halt. I feel the discouragement already building, although I just dropped 2.6 pounds last week. Frankly, I'm nervous. Scared, really. I've never beat that plateau before. I really tried. Well, okay, I tried as much as a person who has bigger goals than they do motivation would. I tried a little exercise increase, some diet tweaking, the norm. And nothing worked.

This time might be different, and I'm hoping that it is. This time I have a better understanding of healthy food. I know that calorie counting, while effective, is not a permanent solution. This time I am exercising a heck of a lot more... 5-6 days a week for 30 minutes to an hour at a time. Also, last year I lost 25 pounds in about 2 months. This time it has taken 4 months. While that sounds bad, I'm hoping it's a good thing. I hope that it means that I haven't been depriving myself of foods I enjoy, making it harder to follow the plans. I also hope that it means that my first big plateau will take longer to get to since the weight has come off slower and more consistently.

So in the coming weeks, I will be concerned, at best, about when the weight loss will stop. Another thing I am doing is setting small goals. My first goal was to lose 20 pounds by my doctor appointment (within 3 months) and I surpassed it by 7 pounds. My next goal is to lose 20 pounds by September 22nd (a good friend's wedding date!). That would give me about 3 months to lose 20 pounds, and would put me at 215 pounds- a weight I haven't seen since 2007! It's completely achievable and unbelievable that I could be so small that soon. Time flies!

Three Month Check-up!

Yesterday I had to go to my primary care doctor for my three-month checkup. I've been doing three month check-ups for almost 2 years because of how unpredictable my thyroid levels are. One visit they are too low, next time they are too high. And then because of the PCOS, getting my dosage right with my metformin has been a challenge. We are trying to achieve the right dose to encourage ovulation and treat insulin resistance without causing the icky side effects (diarrhea) that we do not want. Over a year later and I'm still having the undesirable side effects that should have cleared up after 2 months. So anyway, my official weigh-in at the doctor's yesterday was... 234!

So from March 13th, 2012 until June 15th, 2012, I've lost 27 pounds. January 15th (before I started trying to lose weight) I was at my highest weight ever of 269. It's been a couple of years since I've seen the low 230's, and I am excited because before long I should see the 220's, and I haven't been there in almost 4 years.

Needless to say, the doctor was very excited for me. She took the blood work (ick!) and told me she'd call me Tuesday about results pertaining to a small complaint of lethargy I had during the visit. Then she proceeded to parade me around the office (in a good way) and tell everyone about how great my weight loss has been and how excited she is for me.

She finished by telling me that I don't have to do 3-month visits any more (yay! Without insurance, it's expensive!) and I get to start 6-month visits. She said that she hopes to see me below 200 the next visit we have.

And then it finally hit me. I am finally closer to 200 than I am to 300! I could very, very likely be under 200 by the end of the year. I am excited and overwhelmed. Really, really overwhelmed. When I got married at 16 years old, I was already 189. I am only 35 pounds away from my pre-marriage weight. I am already halfway there. By my 8-year anniversary (Aug 2013), I could be WELL below my honeymoon weight. At age 14 I was 165 pounds. I could soon be the same weight as I was in high school! (high school pictures below, both at 15 years old)

  

I know that these figures have been in my face this whole time, but when you actually start being successful, the numbers start meaning more than ever. I barely have any memory of my life before getting married but I know it was full of self-loathing and fear. Back then I felt huge. Right now I feel like the Michelin Man...

... So it's been a real challenge to believe that I can be fit. I've always known I talk a good game. I've never been this close, or "dieted" this long. I've never, ever participated in exercise. 

The doctor saying those simple words, "I expect I'll see you below 200 on our next visit", said so much for my future. It made me really understand that all of this is not in vain. I've got about 13 months to drop as much weight as possible before I start trying to conceive in July 2013. We've picked that month because my husband's insurance has open-enrollment during July, so I can get insurance and then start trying. By next July, who knows what I'll weigh? 190? 180? 170? Even less? Who knows?!

Fighting the rapids and my extra pounds...

Today we went to this place in the city called Pony Pasture. For those too lazy to click the link, it's the James River rapids. This was my first time in a rapids situation. The only water I've ever been in before this experience was chlorinated or ocean water (up to the knees). I was very confident that this would be great fun until I saw this:

(Not my picture, but close enough!)

I've never experience a "current" in my watering holes before! It was really fun to play in the water, but the time came to climb the rocks as far out as we could and back. This is where I should have planned ahead a little bit, being a big girl and all.

If you've read my previous entries, you'll know that big girls have to do some planning. We have to plan out where we're going to sit and how we're going to dress to cover rolls and minimize attention. So today was a situation I hadn't planned out. We had to jump from rock to rock and balance on slick rocks. I don't have balance. And because I'm big, I was so sure I wasn't going to jump far enough or fit through the rock formations. Considering the circumstances, I did pretty well with only a skinned knee and a jammed toe. 

(Me, today, post-river)

Situations like today just make me want to lose weight that much more. I don't want to worry about being fat when trying to be involved in fun stuff like this. On the one hand, I'm glad I got to experience something fun like this, but on the other hand my mind was filled with concern and I don't need the stress.

This Is Taking Too Long...

So... I've been trying not to get discouraged, but today is a day for sadness. I've been pretty disappointed in my diet for the past few days, and although I have good reason, I still wish it hadn't happened this way.

My husband is a truck driver, and I went on his first interstate run with him Friday morning. About halfway into the trip, on our way back home, a trailer tire shredded apart and left us stranded for a total of five hours. Eventually we had to stop and get a hotel (due to transportation rules for truck drivers). During this entire trip, we were unable to eat anything "healthy". We didn't have time to stop anywhere but truck stops, which are notorious for unhealthy food. I tried to be good, but I didn't have any options. It started with a Krispy Kreme doughnut and a soda. By the end of the night, I had also consumed a king size Twix bar (I hadn't had one in 4 months) and a chocolate milk.

This morning was worse. My husband just wanted to get home, and I didn't blame him. We picked up a ready to go pizza, and I ate HALF of it! >_< Before that, we had the continental breakfast, and the only hot thing to eat was a waffle. This was a problem because I hadn't had a hot meal in two days and ate one. And a few mini-doughnuts. Then we split a bag of chips. And I drank more soda. And energy drinks. I just feel awful.

I don't know how I ate meals like that every day without remorse for what I was doing to my body. It's those excuses and eating habits that got me where I am. But the worst part is that it's taking so long. I don't remember ever being skinny- ever. I can't wait to be the object of envy and lust and make myself and my husband proud. And I know that it's taken me 14 years to get this way, but I feel like this is taking forever.

The biggest problem is that I don't see a change in myself. This is me about six months ago versus today:

I can point out some small differences, but nothing major. I guess it's so depressing because here I was eating doughnuts and chips and knowing that those things got me here. I am not going to lie- this has been really hard for me. When I was a kid we were so poor and I always told myself that I would have the things I couldn't before, and that has come to mean restaurants, fast-food, ice cream, and cake. And I have personally never been close with somebody who has suffered through losing weight. I haven't watched somebody get smaller before my eyes, and how slow the process can be. It's been really easy to be discouraged by the enormous amount of work that this is going to take.

When I was younger, I didn't understand the implications of hypothyroidism or PCOS, or even what I was doing to my body. Granted, not every pound is my fault, but I certainly didn't help the process. And now I exercise 2-4 times a week, and I've picked up a hobby sport, and I've actually gone outside enough to get a tan already, but the time frame is overwhelming. And considering it took me almost 4 months just to lose 23 pounds, I understand why the doctor gave me almost a year to lose 50. I just want to be re-encouraged, but it's been difficult to find that light again. I want to be a mom one day, but just the idea of working so hard for a great body and then losing it after giving birth is a lot to consider.

Any one else having trouble staying motivated?