Broke the plateau!

I finally broke my plateau of last year. On Tuesday I weighed in at 227.8. My plateau was 230. So I'm glad I'm past that hurdle...!

I still feel like a hippo. I've been going through a lot of issues surrounding weight loss recently. I started counting calories on a calorie-counting website, thinking that I was over-eating. It turns out, I have been severely under-eating. I wasn't expecting that at all. So naturally, as with any calorie-counting website, I am being warned every day about "starvation mode". And this is where it gets complex.

I eat all day long, I just don't eat high-calorie foods. I have trained myself really well on the brands of food I like, and I plan my meals every day. I've spent a lot of time doing this right. I've also done a lot of research. I've heard of starvation mode, so I knew it wasn't a good thing.

For someone who is morbidly obese, however, I just can't understand how my body has any opportunity to "starve". I just can't wrap my head around the concept. And that's where the whole "calories in vs. calories out" get complicated.

When I started this in March, my doctor gave me instructions about how many carbs to eat, about 30 a meal  and up to 15 in a snack. So that's what I've been following- roughly 125 carbs a day. Because of my insulin resistance, these ideas are in place, and they are working for me. I think I'm going to stop stressing out about the calories.

In other news, I bought a resistance band today, and I'm so excited to use it! I've been really worried about strength training, because I don't do it... at all. I thought that the resistance bands could be a fun and interesting way to tone up as I lose weight. Every little bit helps, right?

My tennis game hasn't gotten much better, despite spending about an hour/day playing. I do have more speed and finesse though, and that is helpful. I've even been regularly hitting the ball after it goes out of bounds. Before, if I thought it was going out of bounds, I would just stand there and wait for it. Not any more! I want to play like my husband one day, and I can't do that by being lazy!

I got a "B" in my Calculus class, which will alleviate a lot of my stress and free up some time. I'm glad that class is over!

Hobo status: me!

I know, I know, I complain a lot, but I guess I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. No, not the weight loss and the diet stuff- I knew that would be hard. I'm talking about all the extra stuff that I didn't expect to be a problem.

Like my clothes. I really didn't think about that. I guess I just assumed that one day I'd be 269, the next day I'd be 130, and I'd go clothes shopping. I didn't anticipate the months of being in between my start weight and my goal weight- halfway successful.

I feel like I am constantly being stared at by others- like I don't know how to dress. Like I look like a hobo instead of a pretty, slimmer girl. I wish I could wear a sign that says, "I've lost 40 pounds and haven't gone shopping yet!" Sometimes when strangers stare at my baggy clothes, I just explain, and then they ask soooo many questions. How did I do it? Do I exercise? What do I eat? They are redundant, but at least a new respect is formed for me, instead of an odd assumption about my lot in life.

This weekend was rough because we had no power for three days, and I ate food from convenience stores all weekend. No way to exercise- it was too hot inside and out. I stepped on the scale this morning and gained three pounds, but tomorrow is my official weigh-in. So hopefully I've dropped some or all of the weight I gained. I hope so!

Sorry this is short. I'll get on again tomorrow and let you know how the weigh-in went.

Interesting Perspective, Self!

I was going through some old posts I wrote on a weight-loss website I'm on when I found this advice I had given a fellow lifestyle-changer when she was convinced that being fat was easier than working on her health, and that putting the weight on was not as hard for her as getting it off:


It seems like it was easy to put the weight on, but think about what you really went through: 


1. You stressed your joints 
2. You stretched your stomach constantly 
3. You weakened your heart by pumping it full of cholesterol and fat for years and years 
4. You spent money on more food 
5. You spent money on bigger clothes 
6. You skipped things that you would enjoy because of self-consciousness (things you can never go back and do over) 
7. You became emotional and cried at night when the fat jokes were too much 
8. You wondered if people didn't like you/hire you/date you because of your weight 
9. You deprived yourself of essential minerals because the other stuff tasted better 
10. You may have set these examples to those who are impressionable, such as your kids (if you have any) 


So you THINK gaining weight was easy, and maybe you didn't get the immediate, painful impact, but it has not been easy on you at all! If every donut or cake you stuck in your mouth caused you pain, or made you sick, no matter how good it tastes you would never have ate it! But more or less, each of those "treats" do cause you pain EVERY DAY. These sugary foods make you sick all the time! 


I'd much rather have a few sores muscles then a lifetime of the "pain" of fat.


I wrote these words almost two years ago, but they are still so true to my life. Losing weight is NOT just about counting calories, or changing eating habits, or exercising- it's about a psychological recognition of bad habits and an active change in those habits. That's what makes it so hard, and that's why people try unsuccessfully over and over again to diet. I tell people that dieting is like quitting cigarettes, but harder. I make this comparison because smokers go through mood swings and unique trials that non-smokers don't understand when they try to quit. Your body is dependent on the buzz of nicotine, and the withdrawal is intense and overwhelming. I've been told that you never really feel free from cigarettes, that it just gets easier to resist them, but the desire never fully goes away.


I say that dieting is harder than quitting smoking for a couple of reasons. First, dieters can go through mood swings and unique trials (and victories!) that non-dieters (big or small) can't relate to. A dieter's body is dependent on the buzz of sugar, and the withdrawal is intense and overwhelming. I've been told (by science) that statistically speaking, those who are eventually successful with weight loss are very, very likely to gain some or all of the weight back. Weight maintenance, like resisting a smoke, is a life-long pursuit.


The biggest difference between quitting smoking and starting a diet is the one difference that makes it so hard to be successful- you HAVE to eat to live. No doubt about it, every human on earth has to put food in their mouths at specific intervals. If you moved to a planet where cigarettes didn't exist, you could survive and thrive there for the rest of your life. Without food, however, you will die within a few weeks. That is the sole reason why I believe dieting is harder than quitting cigarettes.


Well, with all of that out of the way, I've lost a total of 37 pounds (which I am stoked about!) since March 13th, 2012. This is me about 20 minutes ago:

(Notice the cigarette: yeah, I've done the quitting and the dieting)

I know that I am harder to see, but that's what I've got. I can really see my waist starting to cinch in. I really wish my arms would follow suit! Of course, that t-shirt and the pants are too big for me now, and all of my clothes are starting to become really unflattering.

So as I close this entry, I present this thought: what have you done for your body today?

And it continues...

I don't really care for the picture I took today for this blog. I didn't realize how unflattering this shirt is, even if it is really cute!

I'm in a really rough position right now. I had some old clothes that I couldn't convince myself to part with that are still just a size or two too small. Some of these things (like the shirt above) barely fit or fit okay but look bad because I'm not at the size I need to be at to wear them. And then most of my clothing is increasingly too big for me to wear anymore without looking like a pathetic homeless person. So I'm really stuck between these two issues.

And now I'm 235 (that was my official Tuesday weigh-in, 27 pounds lost) which is exciting for me, but it also marks a very important time in my life. See, I'm not new to this "lifestyle" changing. In fact, I have lost about 25 pounds before- twice. Both times (once as recently as March of last year) I got to the 230's (233 last year) and hit a huge plateau. I fought the plateau as much as I could before I succumbed to defeat by way of bad food choices and lacking exercise. In fact, the measurements I am now (waist, bust, hips) are the exact same measurements I was when I gave up last time. When I realized that, I also realized that I gained 30 pounds in one year and it sickened me.

So I feel like I know what's coming. I feel like I know that within the next couple of weeks, my weight loss will halt. I feel the discouragement already building, although I just dropped 2.6 pounds last week. Frankly, I'm nervous. Scared, really. I've never beat that plateau before. I really tried. Well, okay, I tried as much as a person who has bigger goals than they do motivation would. I tried a little exercise increase, some diet tweaking, the norm. And nothing worked.

This time might be different, and I'm hoping that it is. This time I have a better understanding of healthy food. I know that calorie counting, while effective, is not a permanent solution. This time I am exercising a heck of a lot more... 5-6 days a week for 30 minutes to an hour at a time. Also, last year I lost 25 pounds in about 2 months. This time it has taken 4 months. While that sounds bad, I'm hoping it's a good thing. I hope that it means that I haven't been depriving myself of foods I enjoy, making it harder to follow the plans. I also hope that it means that my first big plateau will take longer to get to since the weight has come off slower and more consistently.

So in the coming weeks, I will be concerned, at best, about when the weight loss will stop. Another thing I am doing is setting small goals. My first goal was to lose 20 pounds by my doctor appointment (within 3 months) and I surpassed it by 7 pounds. My next goal is to lose 20 pounds by September 22nd (a good friend's wedding date!). That would give me about 3 months to lose 20 pounds, and would put me at 215 pounds- a weight I haven't seen since 2007! It's completely achievable and unbelievable that I could be so small that soon. Time flies!

Three Month Check-up!

Yesterday I had to go to my primary care doctor for my three-month checkup. I've been doing three month check-ups for almost 2 years because of how unpredictable my thyroid levels are. One visit they are too low, next time they are too high. And then because of the PCOS, getting my dosage right with my metformin has been a challenge. We are trying to achieve the right dose to encourage ovulation and treat insulin resistance without causing the icky side effects (diarrhea) that we do not want. Over a year later and I'm still having the undesirable side effects that should have cleared up after 2 months. So anyway, my official weigh-in at the doctor's yesterday was... 234!

So from March 13th, 2012 until June 15th, 2012, I've lost 27 pounds. January 15th (before I started trying to lose weight) I was at my highest weight ever of 269. It's been a couple of years since I've seen the low 230's, and I am excited because before long I should see the 220's, and I haven't been there in almost 4 years.

Needless to say, the doctor was very excited for me. She took the blood work (ick!) and told me she'd call me Tuesday about results pertaining to a small complaint of lethargy I had during the visit. Then she proceeded to parade me around the office (in a good way) and tell everyone about how great my weight loss has been and how excited she is for me.

She finished by telling me that I don't have to do 3-month visits any more (yay! Without insurance, it's expensive!) and I get to start 6-month visits. She said that she hopes to see me below 200 the next visit we have.

And then it finally hit me. I am finally closer to 200 than I am to 300! I could very, very likely be under 200 by the end of the year. I am excited and overwhelmed. Really, really overwhelmed. When I got married at 16 years old, I was already 189. I am only 35 pounds away from my pre-marriage weight. I am already halfway there. By my 8-year anniversary (Aug 2013), I could be WELL below my honeymoon weight. At age 14 I was 165 pounds. I could soon be the same weight as I was in high school! (high school pictures below, both at 15 years old)

  

I know that these figures have been in my face this whole time, but when you actually start being successful, the numbers start meaning more than ever. I barely have any memory of my life before getting married but I know it was full of self-loathing and fear. Back then I felt huge. Right now I feel like the Michelin Man...

... So it's been a real challenge to believe that I can be fit. I've always known I talk a good game. I've never been this close, or "dieted" this long. I've never, ever participated in exercise. 

The doctor saying those simple words, "I expect I'll see you below 200 on our next visit", said so much for my future. It made me really understand that all of this is not in vain. I've got about 13 months to drop as much weight as possible before I start trying to conceive in July 2013. We've picked that month because my husband's insurance has open-enrollment during July, so I can get insurance and then start trying. By next July, who knows what I'll weigh? 190? 180? 170? Even less? Who knows?!

Fighting the rapids and my extra pounds...

Today we went to this place in the city called Pony Pasture. For those too lazy to click the link, it's the James River rapids. This was my first time in a rapids situation. The only water I've ever been in before this experience was chlorinated or ocean water (up to the knees). I was very confident that this would be great fun until I saw this:

(Not my picture, but close enough!)

I've never experience a "current" in my watering holes before! It was really fun to play in the water, but the time came to climb the rocks as far out as we could and back. This is where I should have planned ahead a little bit, being a big girl and all.

If you've read my previous entries, you'll know that big girls have to do some planning. We have to plan out where we're going to sit and how we're going to dress to cover rolls and minimize attention. So today was a situation I hadn't planned out. We had to jump from rock to rock and balance on slick rocks. I don't have balance. And because I'm big, I was so sure I wasn't going to jump far enough or fit through the rock formations. Considering the circumstances, I did pretty well with only a skinned knee and a jammed toe. 

(Me, today, post-river)

Situations like today just make me want to lose weight that much more. I don't want to worry about being fat when trying to be involved in fun stuff like this. On the one hand, I'm glad I got to experience something fun like this, but on the other hand my mind was filled with concern and I don't need the stress.

This Is Taking Too Long...

So... I've been trying not to get discouraged, but today is a day for sadness. I've been pretty disappointed in my diet for the past few days, and although I have good reason, I still wish it hadn't happened this way.

My husband is a truck driver, and I went on his first interstate run with him Friday morning. About halfway into the trip, on our way back home, a trailer tire shredded apart and left us stranded for a total of five hours. Eventually we had to stop and get a hotel (due to transportation rules for truck drivers). During this entire trip, we were unable to eat anything "healthy". We didn't have time to stop anywhere but truck stops, which are notorious for unhealthy food. I tried to be good, but I didn't have any options. It started with a Krispy Kreme doughnut and a soda. By the end of the night, I had also consumed a king size Twix bar (I hadn't had one in 4 months) and a chocolate milk.

This morning was worse. My husband just wanted to get home, and I didn't blame him. We picked up a ready to go pizza, and I ate HALF of it! >_< Before that, we had the continental breakfast, and the only hot thing to eat was a waffle. This was a problem because I hadn't had a hot meal in two days and ate one. And a few mini-doughnuts. Then we split a bag of chips. And I drank more soda. And energy drinks. I just feel awful.

I don't know how I ate meals like that every day without remorse for what I was doing to my body. It's those excuses and eating habits that got me where I am. But the worst part is that it's taking so long. I don't remember ever being skinny- ever. I can't wait to be the object of envy and lust and make myself and my husband proud. And I know that it's taken me 14 years to get this way, but I feel like this is taking forever.

The biggest problem is that I don't see a change in myself. This is me about six months ago versus today:

I can point out some small differences, but nothing major. I guess it's so depressing because here I was eating doughnuts and chips and knowing that those things got me here. I am not going to lie- this has been really hard for me. When I was a kid we were so poor and I always told myself that I would have the things I couldn't before, and that has come to mean restaurants, fast-food, ice cream, and cake. And I have personally never been close with somebody who has suffered through losing weight. I haven't watched somebody get smaller before my eyes, and how slow the process can be. It's been really easy to be discouraged by the enormous amount of work that this is going to take.

When I was younger, I didn't understand the implications of hypothyroidism or PCOS, or even what I was doing to my body. Granted, not every pound is my fault, but I certainly didn't help the process. And now I exercise 2-4 times a week, and I've picked up a hobby sport, and I've actually gone outside enough to get a tan already, but the time frame is overwhelming. And considering it took me almost 4 months just to lose 23 pounds, I understand why the doctor gave me almost a year to lose 50. I just want to be re-encouraged, but it's been difficult to find that light again. I want to be a mom one day, but just the idea of working so hard for a great body and then losing it after giving birth is a lot to consider.

Any one else having trouble staying motivated?

Heavy thoughts

So, yesterday I am officially down 22.2 pounds. I am pretty excited to finally break the 20 pound mark. I've been hovering there for three weeks and I've been getting annoyed.

My roommate decided to start an exercise and diet plan that emulated my own. I helped her with planning her meals and engaging in exercise. She finally weighed in yesterday with me and she had lost 5.4 pounds. I was very proud of her and secretly jealous that I have never been so lucky. Sometimes I forget how hard this will be with my medical problems. We did the same exercise, ate the same things, and her weight is plummeting.

She is a bit bigger than me (we were only 20 pounds apart when I started losing weight) and I've been worried about her, so we discussed a plan of action. Part of our discussion talked about the costs of being overweight. I've decided to list a few things that we talked about. First, let me say that your health is the biggest reason... and it's also the main point everyone discusses. These are the "costs" or "problems" with being overweight that I convinced her to consider:

1) Being overweight means you have to check weight limits on things. Sometimes you are afraid to have a seat because you don't think it will hold you. But that's not the only thing. I went on a boat this weekend and was afraid I would tip it over because of how much it moved when I walked across it! Being heavy is all about concern of these situations. Not the fear of being wrong and getting hurt; heavy people are afraid of the embarrassment that would come from breaking a chair or bench, or tipping a boat.

2) Self-esteem is a huge issue for overweight people. Feelings of inadequacy are not uncommon. If you are concerned about what people think based only on your weight, then you'll miss the bigger issue at hand. You may deny yourself affection or be distrustful. I used to be afraid to eat in public. You would think this helped me, but it exacerbated my eating at home.

3) A big question for overweight people is "will I fit?" This could apply to anything- not just clothes. You have to fit into tiny airplane seats or venue chairs. There are size restrictions on roller-coasters. People will have to consider your girth when calculating car rides (will she fit back there with the kids or should we not invite her because of space?). Then there's "one size fits all" outfits (think Halloween costumes or blood pressure cuffs) that don't really "fit all". Of course there are small spaces that a big person may want to fit into (maybe at the playground with the kids, or playing hide and seek) and can't.

4) You are the new elephant in the room. For a very, very long time in America, race or culture could make a person feel outside of the norm, especially when ignorant Americans refused to accept others. However, the new noticeable feature of a person is size, and it can be just as detrimental. For one, studies prove that overweight individuals face job discrimination. The same article highlights that the bias extends to sexual partners. Weight can be a very big dis-qualifier, because the general opinion is that fat people are lazy and lack self-control.

5) Obesity raises healthcare costs for everybody. The biggest person, of course, is the individual. Insurance companies can charge more to cover an obese person than a person of normal weight because of the higher risk of illness. So, not only do you already shell out more money for more health problems, but they can charge you more per visit.

6) Obesity can cause infertility. Any woman who wants to reproduce and is obese could potentially get some bad news from the doctor. It is the worst news ever- that the baby you want more than anything cannot be made as a result of YOUR decisions or, sometimes, medical maladies that led to your condition. It's a hard pill to swallow- trust me, I know.

There are countless other "costs" that we discussed, but I'm glad we had the conversation. It helped her understand why it was so important to try to start losing weight now.

Exactly 75 Days In...

I have been dieting and exercising for 75 days now. I feel like I can finally talk about what I'm doing, and how I'm doing it. It hasn't been easy, but I have lost 20 pounds doing what I'm doing. This is exceptional considering my conditions:

I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. This disorder affects an estimated 1 out of 10 women. I was diagnosed in 2010, but I really had no idea what the big deal was. Well, I know now that PCOS causes infertility, insulin-resistance, male pattern hair growth, dysfunctional periods, and weight gain. I have devoted my free time to educating young women about the signs and symptoms of PCOS. They don't know where it comes from, but I do have a family member with PCOS, and my doctor thinks it's related. So, I suffer from that on a daily basis. Here is more information about PCOS.

I have hypothyroidism. I was diagnosed with this when I was 12 years old. I had gained over 40 pounds that year! Again, as a child, I didn't understand the severity of the situation. I didn't take the daily, necessary medicine until about a year ago when my doctor impressed upon me the life-long implications of the disease. This is also not curable, and I will be on medication for the rest of my life. Hypothyroidism causes increased miscarriages, weight gain, lethargy, lack of concentration, anxiety, vitamin deficiencies, and a whole host of symptoms (comprehensive list here).

November 2011

Anyhow, over the years I had continued to gain weight, and in February, 2012, I weighed in at 260 pounds!

Somehow, I could still live with my decisions to be fat, even at the cost of embarrassment to my husband. Then in March, the doctor gave me some terrifying news: I was too heavy to ovulate due to my PCOS, and could not expect to get pregnant any time soon. She told me that if I could lose 50 pounds by next March (giving me 1 year), then she would prescribe fertility medications to me to get me pregnant if I wasn't ovulating on my own.

Finally the severity caught up to me. I had let my own body down. Despite my conditions, my body felt pretty normal (the lethargy was the most noticeable symptom), and I always thought it could do what it needed to do. This was the first time that I realized that I caused my body real harm.

So I researched everything. I learned what "insulin-resistant" (caused by my PCOS) really did to my body. I found out what foods interacted with my medications. The doctor put me on Metformin, a medication usually used for diabetics, to help regulate my insulin resistance. At the same time, she warned me that the medication was not a magic weight loss pill, and I had to work at it.

One of my favorite websites is called Pinterest. I made a "motivation" board and posted images to remind myself of my goals. Sometimes I would look through my posts when I felt overwhelmed.

   

These kinds of things were helpful, but I did so many more things to help me along. This blog is dedicated to my journey. It's not over, but I've been working really hard, and people are starting to ask the questions that everyone wants to know; how did you do it?

Most of my friends and family are aware of my struggles with PCOS and hypothyroidism, and combating these life-long illnesses makes my story even more amazing. Just last Tuesday I weighed in at 20 pounds lost. Tell me, can you see the difference?

Everything You Need To Know

Today is the day. No, really, it's the day. It is the day. It's the first day of the rest of my life. See, I am really disappointed in myself. I know almost everything that can be known about diet and exercise. I research this stuff. Nutrition and its effects on the body, that's like porn for me. I do it because I love it. Unfortunately, by looking at me, you wouldn't be able to tell. Actually, if you didn't know me, you might glance my way and then look at the ground, for fear of rude staring. Maybe you would point to me and then whisper to your boyfriend, "would you still love me if I was that fat?" ... But either way, you would not expect me to care about nutrition.

Also, you would not be able to take my exercise advice seriously. You would snicker when I walked away, saying, "what could she know?" But I am a pretty intelligent exerciser. I actually like the gym (when I can get myself to go). I enjoy a good high from the sweating and pushing and pulling. I have spent many, many hours learning about how your body likes to exercise. I know what to do when your weight loss "plateaus" and what to eat before and after a workout. Regardless, you would not expect me to care about exercise.

Anyways, I have been talking the talk for a long time. I have been so certain that all of this knowledge would some day equal weight loss. And I have worked out here, and refused something delicious there, but I haven't really done what I need to do to be successful.

But something has changed.

I am a college student with very little time for extra hours. My husband makes the money required to keep the house going. We have recently applied for and been approved for SNAP benefits (food stamps). Even though it is embarrassing, I see the opportunity in this.

Now I have the means to afford to eat healthier. I can purchase the fruits and vegetables and lean meats that I want without going broke. I can stay away from the expensive (financially and health wise) sodas and sugary sweets and really do right by my body. I don't care who you are, you can't eat really well while poor. I hate when people say that you can, because it's impossible. I will lay it out there for you:

We make $16,000 a year COMBINED INCOME.
We spent $620 a month for rent and utilities (which is very low). That equals $7200 a year.
Car and renter's insurance is $95 a month, or $570 every 6 months, or $1140 a year.
We have no car payments.
Internet, which I have to have for college, is $100 a month, or $1200 a year (because I have to have internet, I got a faster internet and added a very basic cable service for $20 more a month for our kids).
Child Support, $400 a month, $4800 a year

$7200 + $1140 + $1200 + $4800 = $14340 a year in fixed expenses. That doesn't leave a lot for food, gas, clothing, or anything else. Shoot, after we pay yearly property taxes on 2 cars and car inspections and registrations, our money is almost gone before we touch the other stuff. That's just how it is. So, as much as I hate it, this government help will really change our lives.

And no matter what politicians try to convince you, not everyone can afford high quality food.

But now I have a rare opportunity to do what's best for myself and my family. I will be the first to admit, I hate when I see people on food stamps buy name brand, expensive junk food with it. There are certainly no restrictions on what food can be purchased, and I see a lot of chips ahoy and ruffles fall through the cracks. This is the behavior that makes people fat.

So join me on my journey to better shopping, better eating, and better looking success!