Hobo status: me!

I know, I know, I complain a lot, but I guess I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. No, not the weight loss and the diet stuff- I knew that would be hard. I'm talking about all the extra stuff that I didn't expect to be a problem.

Like my clothes. I really didn't think about that. I guess I just assumed that one day I'd be 269, the next day I'd be 130, and I'd go clothes shopping. I didn't anticipate the months of being in between my start weight and my goal weight- halfway successful.

I feel like I am constantly being stared at by others- like I don't know how to dress. Like I look like a hobo instead of a pretty, slimmer girl. I wish I could wear a sign that says, "I've lost 40 pounds and haven't gone shopping yet!" Sometimes when strangers stare at my baggy clothes, I just explain, and then they ask soooo many questions. How did I do it? Do I exercise? What do I eat? They are redundant, but at least a new respect is formed for me, instead of an odd assumption about my lot in life.

This weekend was rough because we had no power for three days, and I ate food from convenience stores all weekend. No way to exercise- it was too hot inside and out. I stepped on the scale this morning and gained three pounds, but tomorrow is my official weigh-in. So hopefully I've dropped some or all of the weight I gained. I hope so!

Sorry this is short. I'll get on again tomorrow and let you know how the weigh-in went.

Interesting Perspective, Self!

I was going through some old posts I wrote on a weight-loss website I'm on when I found this advice I had given a fellow lifestyle-changer when she was convinced that being fat was easier than working on her health, and that putting the weight on was not as hard for her as getting it off:


It seems like it was easy to put the weight on, but think about what you really went through: 


1. You stressed your joints 
2. You stretched your stomach constantly 
3. You weakened your heart by pumping it full of cholesterol and fat for years and years 
4. You spent money on more food 
5. You spent money on bigger clothes 
6. You skipped things that you would enjoy because of self-consciousness (things you can never go back and do over) 
7. You became emotional and cried at night when the fat jokes were too much 
8. You wondered if people didn't like you/hire you/date you because of your weight 
9. You deprived yourself of essential minerals because the other stuff tasted better 
10. You may have set these examples to those who are impressionable, such as your kids (if you have any) 


So you THINK gaining weight was easy, and maybe you didn't get the immediate, painful impact, but it has not been easy on you at all! If every donut or cake you stuck in your mouth caused you pain, or made you sick, no matter how good it tastes you would never have ate it! But more or less, each of those "treats" do cause you pain EVERY DAY. These sugary foods make you sick all the time! 


I'd much rather have a few sores muscles then a lifetime of the "pain" of fat.


I wrote these words almost two years ago, but they are still so true to my life. Losing weight is NOT just about counting calories, or changing eating habits, or exercising- it's about a psychological recognition of bad habits and an active change in those habits. That's what makes it so hard, and that's why people try unsuccessfully over and over again to diet. I tell people that dieting is like quitting cigarettes, but harder. I make this comparison because smokers go through mood swings and unique trials that non-smokers don't understand when they try to quit. Your body is dependent on the buzz of nicotine, and the withdrawal is intense and overwhelming. I've been told that you never really feel free from cigarettes, that it just gets easier to resist them, but the desire never fully goes away.


I say that dieting is harder than quitting smoking for a couple of reasons. First, dieters can go through mood swings and unique trials (and victories!) that non-dieters (big or small) can't relate to. A dieter's body is dependent on the buzz of sugar, and the withdrawal is intense and overwhelming. I've been told (by science) that statistically speaking, those who are eventually successful with weight loss are very, very likely to gain some or all of the weight back. Weight maintenance, like resisting a smoke, is a life-long pursuit.


The biggest difference between quitting smoking and starting a diet is the one difference that makes it so hard to be successful- you HAVE to eat to live. No doubt about it, every human on earth has to put food in their mouths at specific intervals. If you moved to a planet where cigarettes didn't exist, you could survive and thrive there for the rest of your life. Without food, however, you will die within a few weeks. That is the sole reason why I believe dieting is harder than quitting cigarettes.


Well, with all of that out of the way, I've lost a total of 37 pounds (which I am stoked about!) since March 13th, 2012. This is me about 20 minutes ago:

(Notice the cigarette: yeah, I've done the quitting and the dieting)

I know that I am harder to see, but that's what I've got. I can really see my waist starting to cinch in. I really wish my arms would follow suit! Of course, that t-shirt and the pants are too big for me now, and all of my clothes are starting to become really unflattering.

So as I close this entry, I present this thought: what have you done for your body today?

This Is Taking Too Long...

So... I've been trying not to get discouraged, but today is a day for sadness. I've been pretty disappointed in my diet for the past few days, and although I have good reason, I still wish it hadn't happened this way.

My husband is a truck driver, and I went on his first interstate run with him Friday morning. About halfway into the trip, on our way back home, a trailer tire shredded apart and left us stranded for a total of five hours. Eventually we had to stop and get a hotel (due to transportation rules for truck drivers). During this entire trip, we were unable to eat anything "healthy". We didn't have time to stop anywhere but truck stops, which are notorious for unhealthy food. I tried to be good, but I didn't have any options. It started with a Krispy Kreme doughnut and a soda. By the end of the night, I had also consumed a king size Twix bar (I hadn't had one in 4 months) and a chocolate milk.

This morning was worse. My husband just wanted to get home, and I didn't blame him. We picked up a ready to go pizza, and I ate HALF of it! >_< Before that, we had the continental breakfast, and the only hot thing to eat was a waffle. This was a problem because I hadn't had a hot meal in two days and ate one. And a few mini-doughnuts. Then we split a bag of chips. And I drank more soda. And energy drinks. I just feel awful.

I don't know how I ate meals like that every day without remorse for what I was doing to my body. It's those excuses and eating habits that got me where I am. But the worst part is that it's taking so long. I don't remember ever being skinny- ever. I can't wait to be the object of envy and lust and make myself and my husband proud. And I know that it's taken me 14 years to get this way, but I feel like this is taking forever.

The biggest problem is that I don't see a change in myself. This is me about six months ago versus today:

I can point out some small differences, but nothing major. I guess it's so depressing because here I was eating doughnuts and chips and knowing that those things got me here. I am not going to lie- this has been really hard for me. When I was a kid we were so poor and I always told myself that I would have the things I couldn't before, and that has come to mean restaurants, fast-food, ice cream, and cake. And I have personally never been close with somebody who has suffered through losing weight. I haven't watched somebody get smaller before my eyes, and how slow the process can be. It's been really easy to be discouraged by the enormous amount of work that this is going to take.

When I was younger, I didn't understand the implications of hypothyroidism or PCOS, or even what I was doing to my body. Granted, not every pound is my fault, but I certainly didn't help the process. And now I exercise 2-4 times a week, and I've picked up a hobby sport, and I've actually gone outside enough to get a tan already, but the time frame is overwhelming. And considering it took me almost 4 months just to lose 23 pounds, I understand why the doctor gave me almost a year to lose 50. I just want to be re-encouraged, but it's been difficult to find that light again. I want to be a mom one day, but just the idea of working so hard for a great body and then losing it after giving birth is a lot to consider.

Any one else having trouble staying motivated?