Hobo status: me!

I know, I know, I complain a lot, but I guess I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. No, not the weight loss and the diet stuff- I knew that would be hard. I'm talking about all the extra stuff that I didn't expect to be a problem.

Like my clothes. I really didn't think about that. I guess I just assumed that one day I'd be 269, the next day I'd be 130, and I'd go clothes shopping. I didn't anticipate the months of being in between my start weight and my goal weight- halfway successful.

I feel like I am constantly being stared at by others- like I don't know how to dress. Like I look like a hobo instead of a pretty, slimmer girl. I wish I could wear a sign that says, "I've lost 40 pounds and haven't gone shopping yet!" Sometimes when strangers stare at my baggy clothes, I just explain, and then they ask soooo many questions. How did I do it? Do I exercise? What do I eat? They are redundant, but at least a new respect is formed for me, instead of an odd assumption about my lot in life.

This weekend was rough because we had no power for three days, and I ate food from convenience stores all weekend. No way to exercise- it was too hot inside and out. I stepped on the scale this morning and gained three pounds, but tomorrow is my official weigh-in. So hopefully I've dropped some or all of the weight I gained. I hope so!

Sorry this is short. I'll get on again tomorrow and let you know how the weigh-in went.

Three Month Check-up!

Yesterday I had to go to my primary care doctor for my three-month checkup. I've been doing three month check-ups for almost 2 years because of how unpredictable my thyroid levels are. One visit they are too low, next time they are too high. And then because of the PCOS, getting my dosage right with my metformin has been a challenge. We are trying to achieve the right dose to encourage ovulation and treat insulin resistance without causing the icky side effects (diarrhea) that we do not want. Over a year later and I'm still having the undesirable side effects that should have cleared up after 2 months. So anyway, my official weigh-in at the doctor's yesterday was... 234!

So from March 13th, 2012 until June 15th, 2012, I've lost 27 pounds. January 15th (before I started trying to lose weight) I was at my highest weight ever of 269. It's been a couple of years since I've seen the low 230's, and I am excited because before long I should see the 220's, and I haven't been there in almost 4 years.

Needless to say, the doctor was very excited for me. She took the blood work (ick!) and told me she'd call me Tuesday about results pertaining to a small complaint of lethargy I had during the visit. Then she proceeded to parade me around the office (in a good way) and tell everyone about how great my weight loss has been and how excited she is for me.

She finished by telling me that I don't have to do 3-month visits any more (yay! Without insurance, it's expensive!) and I get to start 6-month visits. She said that she hopes to see me below 200 the next visit we have.

And then it finally hit me. I am finally closer to 200 than I am to 300! I could very, very likely be under 200 by the end of the year. I am excited and overwhelmed. Really, really overwhelmed. When I got married at 16 years old, I was already 189. I am only 35 pounds away from my pre-marriage weight. I am already halfway there. By my 8-year anniversary (Aug 2013), I could be WELL below my honeymoon weight. At age 14 I was 165 pounds. I could soon be the same weight as I was in high school! (high school pictures below, both at 15 years old)

  

I know that these figures have been in my face this whole time, but when you actually start being successful, the numbers start meaning more than ever. I barely have any memory of my life before getting married but I know it was full of self-loathing and fear. Back then I felt huge. Right now I feel like the Michelin Man...

... So it's been a real challenge to believe that I can be fit. I've always known I talk a good game. I've never been this close, or "dieted" this long. I've never, ever participated in exercise. 

The doctor saying those simple words, "I expect I'll see you below 200 on our next visit", said so much for my future. It made me really understand that all of this is not in vain. I've got about 13 months to drop as much weight as possible before I start trying to conceive in July 2013. We've picked that month because my husband's insurance has open-enrollment during July, so I can get insurance and then start trying. By next July, who knows what I'll weigh? 190? 180? 170? Even less? Who knows?!

This Is Taking Too Long...

So... I've been trying not to get discouraged, but today is a day for sadness. I've been pretty disappointed in my diet for the past few days, and although I have good reason, I still wish it hadn't happened this way.

My husband is a truck driver, and I went on his first interstate run with him Friday morning. About halfway into the trip, on our way back home, a trailer tire shredded apart and left us stranded for a total of five hours. Eventually we had to stop and get a hotel (due to transportation rules for truck drivers). During this entire trip, we were unable to eat anything "healthy". We didn't have time to stop anywhere but truck stops, which are notorious for unhealthy food. I tried to be good, but I didn't have any options. It started with a Krispy Kreme doughnut and a soda. By the end of the night, I had also consumed a king size Twix bar (I hadn't had one in 4 months) and a chocolate milk.

This morning was worse. My husband just wanted to get home, and I didn't blame him. We picked up a ready to go pizza, and I ate HALF of it! >_< Before that, we had the continental breakfast, and the only hot thing to eat was a waffle. This was a problem because I hadn't had a hot meal in two days and ate one. And a few mini-doughnuts. Then we split a bag of chips. And I drank more soda. And energy drinks. I just feel awful.

I don't know how I ate meals like that every day without remorse for what I was doing to my body. It's those excuses and eating habits that got me where I am. But the worst part is that it's taking so long. I don't remember ever being skinny- ever. I can't wait to be the object of envy and lust and make myself and my husband proud. And I know that it's taken me 14 years to get this way, but I feel like this is taking forever.

The biggest problem is that I don't see a change in myself. This is me about six months ago versus today:

I can point out some small differences, but nothing major. I guess it's so depressing because here I was eating doughnuts and chips and knowing that those things got me here. I am not going to lie- this has been really hard for me. When I was a kid we were so poor and I always told myself that I would have the things I couldn't before, and that has come to mean restaurants, fast-food, ice cream, and cake. And I have personally never been close with somebody who has suffered through losing weight. I haven't watched somebody get smaller before my eyes, and how slow the process can be. It's been really easy to be discouraged by the enormous amount of work that this is going to take.

When I was younger, I didn't understand the implications of hypothyroidism or PCOS, or even what I was doing to my body. Granted, not every pound is my fault, but I certainly didn't help the process. And now I exercise 2-4 times a week, and I've picked up a hobby sport, and I've actually gone outside enough to get a tan already, but the time frame is overwhelming. And considering it took me almost 4 months just to lose 23 pounds, I understand why the doctor gave me almost a year to lose 50. I just want to be re-encouraged, but it's been difficult to find that light again. I want to be a mom one day, but just the idea of working so hard for a great body and then losing it after giving birth is a lot to consider.

Any one else having trouble staying motivated?