Hobo status: me!

I know, I know, I complain a lot, but I guess I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. No, not the weight loss and the diet stuff- I knew that would be hard. I'm talking about all the extra stuff that I didn't expect to be a problem.

Like my clothes. I really didn't think about that. I guess I just assumed that one day I'd be 269, the next day I'd be 130, and I'd go clothes shopping. I didn't anticipate the months of being in between my start weight and my goal weight- halfway successful.

I feel like I am constantly being stared at by others- like I don't know how to dress. Like I look like a hobo instead of a pretty, slimmer girl. I wish I could wear a sign that says, "I've lost 40 pounds and haven't gone shopping yet!" Sometimes when strangers stare at my baggy clothes, I just explain, and then they ask soooo many questions. How did I do it? Do I exercise? What do I eat? They are redundant, but at least a new respect is formed for me, instead of an odd assumption about my lot in life.

This weekend was rough because we had no power for three days, and I ate food from convenience stores all weekend. No way to exercise- it was too hot inside and out. I stepped on the scale this morning and gained three pounds, but tomorrow is my official weigh-in. So hopefully I've dropped some or all of the weight I gained. I hope so!

Sorry this is short. I'll get on again tomorrow and let you know how the weigh-in went.

This Is Taking Too Long...

So... I've been trying not to get discouraged, but today is a day for sadness. I've been pretty disappointed in my diet for the past few days, and although I have good reason, I still wish it hadn't happened this way.

My husband is a truck driver, and I went on his first interstate run with him Friday morning. About halfway into the trip, on our way back home, a trailer tire shredded apart and left us stranded for a total of five hours. Eventually we had to stop and get a hotel (due to transportation rules for truck drivers). During this entire trip, we were unable to eat anything "healthy". We didn't have time to stop anywhere but truck stops, which are notorious for unhealthy food. I tried to be good, but I didn't have any options. It started with a Krispy Kreme doughnut and a soda. By the end of the night, I had also consumed a king size Twix bar (I hadn't had one in 4 months) and a chocolate milk.

This morning was worse. My husband just wanted to get home, and I didn't blame him. We picked up a ready to go pizza, and I ate HALF of it! >_< Before that, we had the continental breakfast, and the only hot thing to eat was a waffle. This was a problem because I hadn't had a hot meal in two days and ate one. And a few mini-doughnuts. Then we split a bag of chips. And I drank more soda. And energy drinks. I just feel awful.

I don't know how I ate meals like that every day without remorse for what I was doing to my body. It's those excuses and eating habits that got me where I am. But the worst part is that it's taking so long. I don't remember ever being skinny- ever. I can't wait to be the object of envy and lust and make myself and my husband proud. And I know that it's taken me 14 years to get this way, but I feel like this is taking forever.

The biggest problem is that I don't see a change in myself. This is me about six months ago versus today:

I can point out some small differences, but nothing major. I guess it's so depressing because here I was eating doughnuts and chips and knowing that those things got me here. I am not going to lie- this has been really hard for me. When I was a kid we were so poor and I always told myself that I would have the things I couldn't before, and that has come to mean restaurants, fast-food, ice cream, and cake. And I have personally never been close with somebody who has suffered through losing weight. I haven't watched somebody get smaller before my eyes, and how slow the process can be. It's been really easy to be discouraged by the enormous amount of work that this is going to take.

When I was younger, I didn't understand the implications of hypothyroidism or PCOS, or even what I was doing to my body. Granted, not every pound is my fault, but I certainly didn't help the process. And now I exercise 2-4 times a week, and I've picked up a hobby sport, and I've actually gone outside enough to get a tan already, but the time frame is overwhelming. And considering it took me almost 4 months just to lose 23 pounds, I understand why the doctor gave me almost a year to lose 50. I just want to be re-encouraged, but it's been difficult to find that light again. I want to be a mom one day, but just the idea of working so hard for a great body and then losing it after giving birth is a lot to consider.

Any one else having trouble staying motivated?

Everything You Need To Know

Today is the day. No, really, it's the day. It is the day. It's the first day of the rest of my life. See, I am really disappointed in myself. I know almost everything that can be known about diet and exercise. I research this stuff. Nutrition and its effects on the body, that's like porn for me. I do it because I love it. Unfortunately, by looking at me, you wouldn't be able to tell. Actually, if you didn't know me, you might glance my way and then look at the ground, for fear of rude staring. Maybe you would point to me and then whisper to your boyfriend, "would you still love me if I was that fat?" ... But either way, you would not expect me to care about nutrition.

Also, you would not be able to take my exercise advice seriously. You would snicker when I walked away, saying, "what could she know?" But I am a pretty intelligent exerciser. I actually like the gym (when I can get myself to go). I enjoy a good high from the sweating and pushing and pulling. I have spent many, many hours learning about how your body likes to exercise. I know what to do when your weight loss "plateaus" and what to eat before and after a workout. Regardless, you would not expect me to care about exercise.

Anyways, I have been talking the talk for a long time. I have been so certain that all of this knowledge would some day equal weight loss. And I have worked out here, and refused something delicious there, but I haven't really done what I need to do to be successful.

But something has changed.

I am a college student with very little time for extra hours. My husband makes the money required to keep the house going. We have recently applied for and been approved for SNAP benefits (food stamps). Even though it is embarrassing, I see the opportunity in this.

Now I have the means to afford to eat healthier. I can purchase the fruits and vegetables and lean meats that I want without going broke. I can stay away from the expensive (financially and health wise) sodas and sugary sweets and really do right by my body. I don't care who you are, you can't eat really well while poor. I hate when people say that you can, because it's impossible. I will lay it out there for you:

We make $16,000 a year COMBINED INCOME.
We spent $620 a month for rent and utilities (which is very low). That equals $7200 a year.
Car and renter's insurance is $95 a month, or $570 every 6 months, or $1140 a year.
We have no car payments.
Internet, which I have to have for college, is $100 a month, or $1200 a year (because I have to have internet, I got a faster internet and added a very basic cable service for $20 more a month for our kids).
Child Support, $400 a month, $4800 a year

$7200 + $1140 + $1200 + $4800 = $14340 a year in fixed expenses. That doesn't leave a lot for food, gas, clothing, or anything else. Shoot, after we pay yearly property taxes on 2 cars and car inspections and registrations, our money is almost gone before we touch the other stuff. That's just how it is. So, as much as I hate it, this government help will really change our lives.

And no matter what politicians try to convince you, not everyone can afford high quality food.

But now I have a rare opportunity to do what's best for myself and my family. I will be the first to admit, I hate when I see people on food stamps buy name brand, expensive junk food with it. There are certainly no restrictions on what food can be purchased, and I see a lot of chips ahoy and ruffles fall through the cracks. This is the behavior that makes people fat.

So join me on my journey to better shopping, better eating, and better looking success!